Dear 2020 Moms of Little Ones,
If I could go back in time to my children's early years, I would definitely be more intentional with teaching and modeling empathy. I have always found empathy quite easy to master as a nurse but quite difficult to fully teach to my children.
Life is fleeting. I look at pictures like the one below and have mom regrets. I am sure many of you can relate. I sure wish I had always kept the end in mind...
Not like the end of life but the end of toddler years, the end of preschool years, the end of elementary school, the end of middle school, and now right where I find myself as a mom, the end of the high school years. I am certain it would have helped me see the bigger picture and not get as frazzled by the daily demands.
Regret happens. As I now face life with a high school senior and sophomore, I find myself reminiscing on old times and regretting missed opportunities.
I should have enjoyed more of the chaos and fully embraced the journey.
I am sure some of the days of exhaustion and frustration often suppressed the inner hero within myself and impaired my ability to genuinely model empathy in tough situations.
So let me share with you 5 strategies that you can start implementing today to raise future empathetic teens and have much less mom regret!
1. Build nurse-like care and connection in every tough situation by making sure your child feels heard, validated, and supported. (Even when you feel angry about the outburst, tantrum, or disobedience)
This can be especially hard as your children reach their teenage years. Attitude and boundaries become a bit harder to navigate and outward demands can be hard to fully gauge. Add in hormones, tricky friendships, budding relationships, being able to drive and not in your presence 24/7 and it becomes a roller coaster as the years progress
In my role as a nurse, it was always easy to understand that patients are battling larger factors below the surface that are manifesting themselves in varying levels of anxiety and distress above the surface. The art of triaging symptoms and connecting was quite simple as a nurse, but for some reason learning to apply empathy at home was difficult!
As the years have progressed, I have learned to develop a plan specific to each of my children. I've learned to recognize triggers that are very different for each, understand the different levels of anxiety and how I should respond, and find better ways to dial into their specific plan of action.
Each child is different and requires quite a bit of flexibility, assessment skills, and a large dose of empathy. It is very easy to belittle their feelings. You do not have to agree with their immature thinking but feeling heard will bridge large gaps and begin to model empathy on their level.
Do some research, dig deep, step into your kid's shoes, and develop a child-specific plan of care (as we say in nursing). It's amazing how empathy often bridges large gaps in your relationship with your little one or teen and allows you to diagnose their inner fears that may be manifesting themselves in ways you take personally.
Click below for great articles on empathy in ADHD children and one on empathy with an OCD teen. Two articles that have helped me navigate my two daughters.
2. Teach your child to stand in someone's else shoes by you stepping into theirs.
The best teaching tool is by example.
Show your children you care about what they are feeling. React less to their outburst and misbehavior. It's often nothing personal and can be used as a stepping stone to understanding what they are feeling on the inside.
With young children, the fruit of your labor may not appear at first. It takes years of consistent empathy on your part. However, there is nothing more rewarding than having a teenager caught in some of life's most selfish times, turn to you and say "Mom, I am sorry you've had to deal with this."
This video is a must-watch for parents and children alike. If we only really knew what it felt like to stand in someone else's shoes... Take the 4 minutes to watch, it is exactly the 4 minutes we should be taking EVERY day to find moments where we can show empathy to others!
3. Find Common Ground - You are not called to fix people.
I was recently asked by a friend "How can you be such good friends with such and such?" It caught me a bit off guard. Political and religious views can be large gaps to cross but it's our quick action to stay divided that is preventing empathy in modern-day America and making the lines that divide much larger.
Finding common ground is our job, not fixing people to think like us. Finding friendships that are easy because of your identical beliefs and traditions will never help us stand in the gaps for others. Modeling division based on preference and beliefs will endanger your children's ability to be empathetic young people.
Nurses have a unique job of care. One that can be modeled in real life for our children. Nurses do not have to diagnose the correct problem or prescribe exactly the right medicine and treatment. Instead, nurses get the most important role in providing connection, care, and ensuring the patient-specific plan is followed.
Nurses meet the patient on common ground. The patients make the first steps and seek help and nurses make the next step to meet them right where they are.
All parents should strive to find common ground in tough parenting moments. When our children are young this is a bit easier. They are just mastering simple life tasks and as parents, we are much more present.
However, with teens, it takes quite a bit of creativity to tap into your teen's unique traits and interests to find common ground especially when things get heated.
I remind my girls often that it is easy to have an opinion and hard to have empathy. It's easy to choose a side and hard to fight to erase the lines that divide. It's easy to react with anger and hard to harness those angry feelings for good.
Stay alert to easy and choose what's harder.
Teach your children to go outside of their comfort zone. Don't put on the same blinders and mask just to play it safe day in and day out. What you can't see can hurt you and this division you feel towards others will destroy you from within and then spread to others.
Empathy and love can stand in the gap. It will erase the lines and it will unite our communities. But first, you must remove your blinders and let the hard work begin so that you can equip the next generation to impact the world for good!
4. Remember everyone has a story and once you are invited in - hold it sacred.
Like the popular saying: "Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes." Profound concept but hard to practice in real life. Teaching the concept to our children is best taught while modeling the behavior in your everyday relationships. Authenticity is the best teacher.
As a nurse, we are invited into our patient's stories. We get their past history, family history, current history, and private details needed to diagnose and provide the correct level of care.
The connection is made because they trust and you care about helping them.
My teens have often learned the hard way about what happens when you allow the wrong people to walk in your shoes, share sensitive details, and breach those sacred trust
barriers. It hurts when they experience the first friend who uses those against them, shares and twist their hurts and private details with others.
Teaching kids the art of active listening and stepping into their friend's shoes rather than being quick to judge and "tell-all" is essential to raising empathetic teens. I remind my girls every chance I get to be slow to judge, quick to kindness, and to show love even when it's hard. You really have no idea what reality someone else is living behind the scenes.
If people only knew?!
That should resonate with all of us.
The good, the bad, and the ugly baggage we all carry.
5. Empathy requires vulnerability.
Teaching our children that vulnerability isn't a weakness and on the contrary, it requires great courage is essential to success.
To understand the emotion in someone else requires that you first recognize the emotions in you. Vulnerability creates openness and honesty in relationships.
My girls and I talk often about friendships and some of my closest relationships. There really is a reason why most people usually only have a few real friendships in life. It's only when the walls come down and you become vulnerable that the depth of the friendship grows.
Modeling vulnerability in your role as a parent is hard. It is a very delicate balance. But it's in those moments when it all comes together that you are able to remind your children that "having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness."
I love this photo of my oldest daughter, Haley, after a big win. She wanted to let her friend Fernando know that he was the real winner, not just her.
She realized it takes quite a bit of moving parts behind the scenes to get the job done. She wanted him to step into her shoes and know he was really the grand champion right alongside her!
If we are true to our calling and master the art of empathy, we will help others recognize the hero inside of them.
And that victory is the ultimate win!
Sincerely,
Amy
2020 High School Girl Mom
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