Gloom. Poor prognosis. Sadness, loneliness, depression, and hurt so deep your heart literally aches just like an overworked sore muscle. There is no Motrin to ease the ache, no massage deep enough to reach. Finding yourself here feels like gloom and doom. I've been here, you?
To hear your "sentence" or outcome is tough. The strength you muster to sit in that room, listen to the clock tick, hear people in their hustle and bustle in the hallways, and you just wait. For anyone who has faced a possibly terminal fate, or a life crisis that has you barely hanging on, then this blog is for you.
If you've sat in the hospital parking lot crying, if you have sobbed yourself to sleep, or you have felt loneliness so deep it is almost unbearable to take the next steps, I hope you find hope right here. I speak from experience. Experience as a nurse and experience as the patient and experience as the caregiver.
A poor prognosis stops you in your tracks all while the world continues right on going... and that leaves you feeling even more lonely, sad, and heartbroken. Before you let your prognosis overtake your thoughts, remember these 6 truths to help ease your heartache.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
He bandages your wounds. The really deep ones that no one sees. He sure did for me. Time and time again. He will do the same for you.
1. Be kind. Be mindful. Stay sensitive to your inner hurts.
I would say that I am hyper-sensitive to the feelings of others. Not always a trait I love because it feels too heavy some days, but one that keeps me mindful of what is brewing under the surface for others.
I am sure some of you read the title and wonder how people with a poor prognosis can turn gloom into glee (delight). I mean for many this means you've been given your sentence. However, some of the most rewarding moments in life are often when you have nothing left, when you've come to terms with your deepest hurts, and when you've opened those secrets places and used your hurts as a gift for others - a passage to finding real peace.
Science has created "magic" pills for a multitude of diseases. However, God has created splendor that lies deep inside of you. Heartaches or those "heart contractions" bring these innermost places to the surface.
And as they surface, you then have two choices:
1. Turn them to gloom and doom
2. Or embrace these sensitive parts of your heart and allow them to produce
hope, delight, and glee for others.
Your real story heals not only you, but the friend you never knew was hurting behind the scenes. The friend who was watching you closely battle life's fragility, afraid to get too close because the pain she was carrying was a bit too raw. A friend maybe you thought didn't really care about your suffering; but instead, a friend that couldn't embrace your hurt because it would give birth to hers.
2. Quality over quantity.
Remember the holidays are tough on many regardless of a poor prognosis or great health. It is ok to be sad but stay vigilant and invest in great friendships before the crisis arises. One great friend is like having an army.
You must let go of your picture-perfect holiday and life. Let go of the traditions from decades of generations. Let go of extravagance and too many extras. Let this holiday season be one where you get a bit creative and place importance on quality, not quantity.
2020 has been a year of downsizing in many ways. When faced with life's fragility and a poor prognosis, you also learn the value of less - even if that means fewer days. Cross out a few non-essentials and focus on your inner tribe and what brings you glee (delight).
Last December, my husband was in the cancer hospital for his third admission in 6 months. Christmas was nearing and the traditions were looming... However, on Christmas Eve morning, the girls and I snuggled into his hospital room and decided Christmas isn't Grandma's house, Christmas meal doesn't have to be the same family dishes, and Santa might not visit on exactly December 25th.
Just having another today is the best gift.
Quality. This Christmas unwrap genuine time together. Skip the presents, make the meal a bit simpler, and soak in every second of together. The best gifts aren't under the tree.
"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree." Roy Smith
3. Don't hide. Accept help. It is ok to not be ok.
"One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside." John Lennon
Fear, depression, loneliness, hopelessness cripples you from the inside out. You hide it well for a short while but as it takes root inside your heart it starts to emerge in exterior ways. So when you hear the knocking, accept the help.
Life is fragile. Most of us have people that try to help time and time again. It is ok to not be ok and it's important to accept the help. God sends His personal care packages disguised as family and friends.
Often when the prognosis is poor or when side effects from an illness begin to take over quality of life, depression begins to manifest. Don't be ashamed of your depression, don't be ashamed of your addictions, don't be ashamed of feeling completely broken. However, when your angel gang comes to scoop you up and get you help, just be ok with not being ok.
The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18
4. Make the call, send the text, send the email, pay a visit.
The nudge you feel on your heart when you wake, the thought that comes to your mind, the chills you get when you remember, are all clues to make the call or follow the nudge. Lonely comes disguised as well and happy every single day. I am so thankful for the people who just popped in to check on our family. The meals that just arrived at our doorstep. The text we woke up to many times in the night when sleep was not to be had.
And if you are facing a poor prognosis, follow those nudges as well. You are realizing quality is a reality as quantity seems to be diminishing. Write those letters, make some personal keepsakes for later, and keep telling your caregivers just how much you care. Words are free, last forever if preserved and cherished, and sure help soothe the broken heart.
Tomorrow is not promised to the sick or to the well and lonely lives in most homes on many days. Make the first step, the second call, and however many more tries it takes.
Because...
"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew." Henry Rollins
5. Listen and care.
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
― Stephen Fry
“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
6. Dying is ok.
If you've faced a potentially terminal illness, then you have contemplated dying. You've imagined the years you will miss with your kids and future grandkids. You've imagined leaving your spouse. You've worried about your finances. You've watched happy, healthy people every day and you've felt pain and longing for those same happy days.
I am 40 years old. Last year, I fought through the emotions of possibly losing my spouse young. My husband fought through emotions of possibly missing many valuable years with our family. However, even after the hardest days passed in his physical recovery, there were still lingering side effects and daily life struggles that we never anticipated.
It is easy to feel forgotten. It is fine to say this isn't fair. It is fine to question why me.
And then there is peace when dying becomes ok.
So today if I find death a bit closer than I would like,
and if pain and heartache are what I feel like,
I will hold tight to you today and in my heart forever you will stay,
as we join together before I meet my Father which is ok.
To my family and friends as my life here ends,
I will ask my Heavenly Father for his angles to send,
straight to my people whose earthly walk remains
as you dream of the day when Heaven you attain.
Ask for the help and keep your eyes fixed,
as you pray to be wise and seek eternity's prize.
May the gloom be lifted as your days on earth do loom,
and may glee be gifted when your Father and me, you'll soon see!
We all think we want more days, but dying really is ok.
And here in Heaven, I will forever gladly stay.
A must watch... From a Father who lost his daughter around Christmas...
He healed my broken heart,
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Welcome to Absolutely Amyable. Here you will find your calm cushion in life's chaos.
I have renewed resolve to use my story to help shape your story. To pass on to the next generation the power of meaningful connection and care for others.
May each of us who swore by oaths in our professions recite them daily and vow to uphold them. May each of us help guide others to find and fulfill their inner calling.
But You're ___________ *insert your name here.
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