"I have the right to be upset after what he did."
"They have no clue what all I have been through."
"I am so sick of trying so hard while she just keeps making poor choices and piling more work on me."
"I have done nothing wrong. This was all his fault. I can not forgive him."
Sound familiar? Are you sick of being sick and tired of someone or something? I know I sure am!
As I began my 21-day jumpstart at the first of the year, I had several specific areas I tried to focus extra attention and time on. There was even a specific area where I felt completely defeated and hurt. I felt like I had done my part and then some.
However, I quickly learned that perhaps I was playing the self-righteous pity party game. That possibly while doing all my "good" I had let bitterness creep its way inside.
And then like any good heart-searching activity, I started to realize it is not my job to change or fix someone. I can only change myself and my reaction. Man... I have only heard that said a million times, you? I also realized it really isn't just the other person's fault. I saw the need to own up to my part and at the very least to forgive so the bitter seed didn't continue to take deeper root inside of me.
If you are feeling some of the same bitter seeds starting to grow in your heart, follow these 5 steps to a better bitter-free New Year.
1. Stop replaying what slashed your heart.
But... He or she really hurt me. But... I was only really trying to do my best. But...I worked so hard and he did nothing.
If you are finding your sentences starting with but... you might have a bitterness seed that has started to take root. Disappointment hurts. It hits a deep place in your heart and it is hard to forgive. However, bitterness is like a seed and if left to its own powers it will begin to take root and spread its poison within your heart.
Stop replaying and rewinding the hurt. The roots only grow deeper and the enemy then has a stronger hold on you.
"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."
Hebrews 12:14-15
2. Bitterness is sneaky and "righteous anger" quickly turns to bitterness.
Don't let bitterness creep up on you.
I mean none of us just wake-up wanting to feel miserable. However, we start to let the but sentences invade our core. You turn on the news, you read a text or post from a friend, you encounter a challenge at work, and suddenly the anger starts to set in tight. How could she? She really is going to say and do that? How can they support that person? They have no clue what I have been through.
You start to use justice and righteousness as an excuse to become angry and bitter toward someone or something. You swallow the seed and the root takes hold. The enemy now has you exactly where he wants you.
At some point, you have to stop justifying why you should be bitter. Stay vigilant and don't allow bitterness to creep in disguised as self-righteousness or justice.
3. Forgiveness is the only pill to swallow.
As a nurse, I love terms that relate to physical health and healing. As you follow my blog, I am sure you see it sprinkled in many places. Medicine provides for me a way to visualize the healing that takes place in our heart and mind, not just our physical being.
I envision forgiveness as a pill. It is the only real antidote to bitterness. I wish forgiveness treatment could be more like emergency surgery - where extreme measures produce faster removal. However, forgiveness is a daily dose that is really hard to swallow at first. It then requires a daily maintenance dose to keep the bitter poison from continuing its spread. No missed doses allowed.
Forgiveness is hard work because bitterness can be extremely self-focused. You are right, you probably legitimately did nothing wrong or have every reason to feel disappointed and hurt. However, when the hurt and grief turn inward, bitterness begins its sneaky demise inside of you.
Find the right physician, pick up the right medication, and let forgiveness lead you with love.
Ephesians 4:31-32:
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
4. Accept that the other party may never change or see their wrong.
The only way to detach from bitterness and the person who wronged you is to forgive. You must accept the apology that may never come and you must still be willing to do some inward inventory. Do you have any areas where you may have contributed to the hurt? Were there any ways that you could have played less victim and taken more responsibility towards your response?
I love this quote by Joyce Meyers:
"I know from personal experience how damaging it can be to live with bitterness and unforgiveness. I like to say it's like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die. And it really is that harmful to us to lie this way."
Don't let your enemy thrive while you continue to sip the bitter poison.
5. Your bitterness can impact many others. It is highly contagious.
Bitterness can taint everyone in your path. Your kids see it, your friends, your co-workers and it begins to spread. As a believer, you should desire to share His good news, not to discourage and spread bitterness.
As Proverbs 12:25 says: "Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad."
What you model, your kids embody. What you say, your kids take to heart. Your bitter attitude passes down to your employees and coworkers. Pray for an environment that spreads His good news and forgives before hurt turns to bitterness.
I love this quote from Revelant Bible Teaching - The Root of Bitterness:
"In an environment where grace is freely understood and freely given, it is tough for bitterness to take root. Where grace reigns, sanctification thrives, relationships deepen, and God does mighty things. Let us be sure no one comes short of the grace of God, that we are never too stingy with the life-giving spring of pure water that is God’s unending grace. This water satisfies, and this water gives life. May God make us into such springs."
My New Year, New Me prescription requires me to remember:
Love keeps no record of wrongs. I Corinthians 13:5
Bitterness is a dangerous seed to swallow. It develops deep roots and poisonous fruits that can defile many. Hebrews 12: 14-15
Forgiveness is the only antidote to bitterness. Ephesians 4:32
Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy. Hebrews 12:14
God made you for a purpose. He created you intentionally and purposefully to do His good work. Ephesians 2:10
The battle is not yours, but God's. 2 Chronicles 20:15
Prescription in hand, first doses down... I think I can do this!
Here's to His goodness in the days ahead and to a better bitter-free New Year!
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